What I want to offer… musings and declaration.

I’ve been feeling obliged to contemplate the “offering part” of my existence on earth, my life’s purpose… what do I want to offer?

I guess I know that i am already in my life’s purpose:  I am raising a wonderful daughter, hopefully holding the space in a loving way for her beautiful light to continue to shine.

I also want to contribute to bringing (allowing, really) more Love on the planet, within our strange society – to be in the present, to live in a state of appreciation, to see that the shitshow of existence is the root of joy.  I do see patients throughout each week, i’ve been for a decade now.  I want to offer (and hope that I have been offering) a compassionate presence and suggestions to catalyze self-healing for others.  

I often get caught in the, “what is the purpose of all of this?” mindset.  “Why care about any of it?”.  And sometimes i don’t. I just don’t care. It isn’t my responsibility to help anybody else (except my kid).  Why bother getting out of the house? I just want to stay inside and learn the ukulele…. Or make cookie dough and eat it while watching shows on netflix.  I’m safe inside.  And it is true and that’s fine.

I was thinking about Jesus last night.  About how he taught for 3 years only. And he may be the most important figure of the western world (entire world?).  He spent years learning and maturing.  We don’t really know how much he was “offering” during those years of development.  [these reflections do not stem from any kind of ‘savior complex’, just that — if Jesus Christ himself needed time to “ripen” before offering his gifts to the world, then maybe the rest of us non-saviors can appreciate his example and wait until the time is right to fully dedicate our lives to service?]

I’ve been thinking I need to push myself to ‘get a move on’ in terms of being successful in “Offering my Gifts to the World’ (a wonderful course I took from Art Giser).  Now that I have a website – which was a spontaneous, exciting sort of idea that I jumped into – i feel a bit of pressure to write something meaningful, or create content, or offer some sort of helpful inspiring video content that I should be figuring out how to monetize.  But I got the website because it felt like a fun new venture, a little scary, a thing that could become something one day.  And it seems i’m letting other people’s ideas and expectations influence my own path, in terms of putting pressure on something that should just be fun or creative and develop in it’s own time.  

For someone (myself) who advocates that others take time for themselves,  “be gentle with yourself and practice self love and enjoy the little things”… I sure do “should on myself” a lot.  In truth, I really love quiet time.  I love the freedom of being alone and not having to listen to anyone or appease anyone or “work on myself” because being with others is often an exercise in analyzing behavior that pushes my buttons or lights up insecurities or ignites judgments; then i feel guilty for not enjoying the company of perfectly lovely people. (yes, that may have been a run-on sentence)  My goal is to be kind and i get frustrated with a mind that doesn’t always cooperate with my intentions.

Paradoxically, when i’m at work and interacting with patients, I’m nearly always interested in others and embrace “small talk” and immediately feel love and compassion for the person sitting in front of me.

What I want, what I want … is to offer a little temple.  Like the Zen Buddhist temple I used to frequent in college.  It was calm and quiet and peaceful – a refuge.  Meditation was expected so there was no need to make small talk with others.  One could assume an attitude of reverence for the sacred space and just sit quietly.  I want to offer that experience, AND I want to add the element of healing waters to it.  I want to create and offer a sacred healing space that includes soaking in herb and flower baths, hot and cold tubs.  I suppose I will declare this here and now, as it has been on my “vision board” for a number of years now. At some magical space and time, it will manifest on our physical plane… and I invite you to come partake in the peace and healing spirit of it.